Four months ago, a shocking diagnosis put me face-to-face with my biggest fear. The surprising news cut to my existential core. It stuck my mortality in my face and backed me into a corner. A thought streamed through my mind. Am I the next one to slip through the crack and disappear into the great unknown?

This is how it happened. I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota (ninety miles south of Minneapolis) for a second opinion on a prostate issue. The urologist called the next day to tell me there were still problems with my prostate, but that treatment had to be postponed. Something else came up. When the radiologist had examined my MRI image, he found a large mass on my left kidney. A CT scan and a meeting with a surgeon were scheduled for the next week.

Everybody feels fear. It protects us from danger. My biggest fear was tomophobia, or fear of general anesthesia. We are all different. What causes fear for me may not be the same for you. The fear overwhelmed me. I didn’t know how I would get through the two-month wait to surgery. At times I found the courage inside of me, but the fear always returned. Rather than push the fear away, I chose to embrace it.

A practice of gratitude was very helpful. Most of all, I was grateful that they found the mass. More good news came when the surgeon told me (and my wife Nikki) that it was contained in the kidney and hadn’t spread to other organs or bones. The surgeon also shared that most likely he could do a partial removal of the kidney using robotic surgery. After some contemplation, I was especially grateful for being presented with a challenge that would push me deeper and farther than I had ever been before. Every time the feeling of fear came into my mind, I reminded myself of all these things.

An even bigger help to me than the gratitude practice was the love, support, and encouragement shown to me by others. A simple ‘How are you doing’ or ‘I’ll be cheering for you’ or ‘I’ll be praying for you’ were extremely powerful in helping me move beyond the fear. It was important for me to know that others cared. That made all the difference in the world.

There is no doubt that the practice of gratitude and the loving support of others helped move me to a place of more courage. But the fear persisted. Then two weeks before the surgery, I had a breakthrough moment. All the fear I had felt over the last several weeks finally pushed me to a point of surrender and acceptance.

The thought I am not the body flowed into my mind. I understood more clearly than ever the impermanent nature of the body. Growing old can’t be stopped and health problems are a part of life. All of us must eventually leave behind everyone we know and everything we own. From that point on, the courage was more available for me to access. By the morning of the surgery, an unexpected calm settled over me.

The post-surgical pathology report confirmed that the mass was malignant and showed that the margins were clear. No further treatment was recommended. We were elated that the surgery was successful.

Thank you to everyone for your support. My hope is that by sharing this experience it may be of benefit to someone else. I wish you all the best in whatever challenges you face.

Editor’s Note

Daniel Hertz, MS, BCB, E-RYT 500 has been on the faculty of The Meditation Center in Minneapolis since 1995. He is the author of a memoir entitled Everything is A Little Bit Alright: yoga, meditation, and a dog named Roy. It is widely available through Amazon and other online booksellers.

If you would like more information on the topic, here is a link to a recent talk Daniel gave at The Meditation Center in Minneapolis.

His portion begins at 33:00. https://vimeo.com/871892513?share=copy