Dr. Judith Wermuth-Atkinson is a lecturer at Columbia [University] and a long time seeker. She was introduced to me recently by our beloved friend and scholar Siddhartha Krishna. I made an exception in her case to initiate her personally. She has written a description of the initiation which may be inspiring/instructive. — svb

Dear Swamiji, I am sending you the description of my mantra initiation with some delay. I was not entirely happy with what I wrote and I am very concerned that I might disappoint you. I am afraid, in my description I was too analytical and too practical, and I did not manage to convey the greatness of the mystical experience. Perhaps there are things that I cannot put into words – no matter how much I love writing. — Judith Wermuth

As I do not claim myself to be a Master, wherever the word Master occurs in this composition, please read it as a ‘Master’s disciple’. — Swami Veda Bharati

I have been practicing meditation for many years but before I came to the SRSG center in May this year I had never had any other guidance than that I found in books. I also have been in Rishikesh several times before. I had heard about the SRSG center and particularly about Swami Veda Bharati from my friend Siddhartha Krishna, who thinks very highly of the center, and who admires Swami Veda deeply. For years I have been hoping to meet Swami Veda and to be able to study in the SRSG center. However, I was coming to India always in late May – a time when Swami Veda was usually teaching in the United States or in Europe, and when the semester of classes had already ended. This year I was extremely fortunate because when I arrived in Rishikesh the center was still open. I was able to take a few classes, and I had the great honor to meet Swami Veda Bharati. The decision about my mantra initiation, however, was something I had not expected, and it came as a wonderful surprise to me. I was overwhelmed with joy.

My initiation began after the evening meditation with Swami-ji – a powerful experience that should be described separately. My body was quite relaxed, and my mind was calm. I did not know at all what to expect, since I had never spoken to anyone who had been initiated. Nevertheless, at that point I felt such profound trust in my Master that I was ready to put my life in his hands. Having said this, I should emphasize that I do not become too excited about the greatness of people, that I do not tend to follow teachings and instructions blindly, and that in my long conscious life I have studied many different spiritual traditions, but I have practiced consistently only one. However, this time I felt differently. I may be wrong but it is my belief that for every individual who is working on her/his spiritual development, there is a particular teacher. In other words, I think that one Master could have many disciples, but that for each disciple there could be only one living Master. The first time I met Swami Veda I believed to have found my Master. And that very Master had offered to initiate me into my mantra – something that I thought would help me in understanding myself, my mind, meditation, and even God on a much deeper level. It felt that my life-long spiritual quest was rewarded. At the same time, I also realized that this was only the beginning of even harder work, and of having yet more profound responsibility for spiritual development.

I know that I should not be exaggerating the role of the person who initiated me. I know that it is God whose will we join when great things happen in our lives. I also know that it is Prana that we feel when we feel that enormous and inexplicable power during the initiation. However, so far no other living person had ever been able to take me to that state of mind in which I join God. Perhaps, that is what only a Master can do. And now my Master did precisely that – gently, and without any kind of imposition.

First he helped me relax, sit comfortably, and breathe uninterruptedly. I am not even sure how it happened. I was not simply following his instructions.  It felt as if, along with his quiet words, he was actually changing my breath, the position of my body, even my thoughts, by means of his own mental power. Or perhaps he created some energy field around me so that each movement, each attempt to relax certain parts of my body became easy and natural, as though I was not doing anything at all. I felt that I was in a place, or in a space that was separate from the physical room where we were sitting – a space, in which things were easy and happening quite fast.

I believe that part of the reason I felt the way I did was my Master’s voice. I could not ignore the effect of this particular, absolutely unique voice. I may be extremely sensitive to voices because I used to be a musician and, thus, sound has plaid a major role in my life. Hearing the sound of my Master’s voice, when he started pronouncing the mantra, was the most mystical experience during the initiation. (Remembering it later, I could compare that sound only to the organ music of Bach). This sound was tremendously deep, quiet but very powerful, vibrating, and at the same time absolutely stable. Pronounced in this voice, the mantra created a new space, or rather new levels of space, ever deeper and deeper, and ever wider and wider. I am not sure whether I had a thought of history, of the past, or whether I simply felt as if I was taken far back. I cannot say where to. Along with that feeling, I also had the feeling of different sources of energy or strength. Did my Master tap into those different sources? Did he establish a connection between me and those sources? I cannot tell. I just felt some tremendous expansion of my Self. At this very moment, when I was feeling as if I was moving into some bigger or deeper levels of consciousness (for lack of better words), something interesting happened on the physical level.

I had a silly, violent cough attack. I had brought some flowers to my Master. The flowers were placed in a basket on the floor, right next to us.  I might have been allergic to them. I started coughing and could not stop for a while. I felt as if there was an earthquake. Everything in me was shaken, torn apart. But it was as if I could not formulate thoughts. Thus, I was not upset with myself. Nor was I worried that I might have spoiled everything. I just did not know what to do. Then I felt the gentle touch of my Master’s hand on the side of my arm. The touch of hands means a lot to me. Sometimes I make judgments about people (which I should not be doing) on the basis of the way they shake my hand. This was now the touch of a hand that was telling me lovingly to relax, to stay calm. It was a touch that did not judge me but encouraged and supported me. And I did relax quickly – even before someone from the outside brought me a glass of water. (Later I thought that I wished to feel the touch of this hand every time when life was hard on me.)

My Master explained to me quietly that when the process of initiation is interrupted one has to go back to it and continue as if nothing has happened – simply ignore the interruption and refocus on the meditation. If we could only learn to do this with everything bad that happens in life – ignore it, do not let it disturb us, and refocus on the things we ought to do! This thought came to me later too – not during the initiation, but I learned a great lesson. We all talk about “not getting stuck in the past, in our mistakes, or in the bad experiences we had.” During my initiation I experienced the practical means of doing this, and I can only hope that I will be able to apply it.

In addition, when I was distracted by my cough I realized another interesting thing on the physical plane. The position I was sitting in was new to me. I had been sitting in that position for about an hour prior to the initiation and, although it was generally a comfortable position, at the beginning of the mantra initiation I felt some slight discomfort. However, my concentration on the mantra was so strong that I literally “forgot” that I did not feel completely comfortable. When I started coughing and I came out of the state of meditation briefly, I was absolutely unaware of that part of my body where I had felt discomfort – in my lower back. I was fully aware of the rest of my upper body but I had no sense of my body below the waist line. This was no numbness. I believe that I was so strongly focused on the mantra that the part of my physical body that was in the way of my concentration was, so to speak, eliminated in my mind. It was “cut off” so that it could not disturb me. At least this is how I could explain that strange feeling. I do not even remember if I tried to get back the sense of having a lower back or not. I do not think so. I went back to the state of meditation quickly. I must have been unaware of dealing with the lack of sensation.

In my Master’s entire approach to my mantra initiation there was also a very fine consideration of the individual who was initiated. I realize that choosing the appropriate mantra is an inspiration and that receiving this inspiration is one of the Master’s gifts. Yet, I was amazed by Swami Veda’s choice. The particular mantra my Master gave me helped me focus on something profoundly important for my spiritual development and for my entire life that I, however, might have been underestimating before. This realization alone was extremely inspirational. It redirected my quest and took me to a whole new path. If I had never walked along that path, all the spiritual work I had tried to do would have remained incomplete.
The brief explanations of meaning and of grammar were also tremendously helpful to me. I speak several languages. Grammar is therefore very important to me. It helps me understand logic, as well as the way of thinking in particular cultures. Thus, offering a brief explanation of a grammatical detail made a big difference to me and helped me grasp the significance of the mantra better – already during the initiation.

After the coughing incident I did not go back to that enormously deep and wide space, but I did get back to observing my mind.  And there, in my mind was the mantra: pronouncing itself, with its own speed, repeating itself in the form of a canon – before the end came, the beginning was already there again. The sound register changed: there was the deep, soft, velvet-like voice, but the sound was also moving up – as if the mantra sounded in its overtones as well. It was as if a choir was singing my mantra. I did not try to reduce this choral manifestation of the mantra to one single voice – mine.  The mantra did not come to my lips. I still have not pronounced it in my mouth.

Long after my Master told me to leave and to go in silence, the mantra was still sounding in my mind. I did not break my silence. I did not break it even when I left the ashram on the following day. There was something I wanted to preserve and to protect –perhaps the sacredness of the experience. I was afraid that I might destroy it if I talked. But then I realized that even out there, in the external world, in the whole mess of our activities and emotions,  now there is  a place for me where I could find, again and again, the peace of my beloved Himalaya,  the certainty of having guidance, the love in my Master’s voice – a place where I could join God. I know this place will always be accessible to me – in my mantra, in my mind – as long as I am aware of it.

I am not sure I can describe how I feel about all this. Perhaps this is how we feel when we realize that God loves us.

Editor’s Note:

Dr. Judith Wermuth-Atkinson has taught different languages, literatures, and cultures at universities in Europe, the Middle East, and the U.S.A. Currently she teaches courses on world literature and philosophy at Columbia University, New York. Her research focuses on the comparative study of literature, art, philosophy, and religion in Eastern and Western civilizations. She is also translator of literary and philosophical works, as well as author, writer, and poet.