“Who am I?”

Have you ever asked yourself that question? I started asking myself this question since Kindergarten.

“Why is my name Amy? Why can’t I be called Coco, Candy or Round, or Square? Why can’t I see myself? Why can I see everyone else but only able to see my reflection in the mirror? What would I do after I die? Where should I go?” These are the questions I ask myself in those sleepless nights of my childhood, as I gaze into the darkness.

Later after I grew up, my questions were consolidated into “What is Truth?”. And it has been my search ever since. I hoped to find truth in human relationships, only to find that relationships are constantly changing. What’s true for a moment could be turned upside down in days, weeks or months; I looked into religion, and found more greed, jealousy, violence and betrayal than in ordinary household life. I was lost and confused. But somewhere deep inside, a voice kept telling me: “Don’t give up. Keep searching. Somewhere, there has to be Truth”.

Then I found the Himalayan tradition. On the big, vast, wireless Internet. Like an ocean, you may find what you’re looking for, if you search skillfully, and if you’re lucky. I was the lucky one.

I was lucky to have gotten so sick that I was hospitalized for 3 weeks. Otherwise I would never have had the time and patience to search, read and watch all the teachings by Swami Rama and Swami Veda. When I heard those teachings from the Himalayan Tradition, I saw Truth shimmering.

4 weeks later, I miraculously recovered and found myself in Swami Rama Sadhaka Grama translating for Teacher Training Programme. During this time, I was offered the opportunity for Mantra Initiation.
I’ve always longed for a spiritual Guru. Someone great, loving and kind like Bengali Baba, Swami Rama and Swami Veda. Someone I feel a deep connection with. A Guru who would understand me and love me unconditionally. But when I was facing the opportunity to initiate with the Himalayan tradition, I hesitated. I’ve only met the initiation teacher once, briefly, and he probably doesn’t even remember me. How could he be my Guru? I refused to receive yet another ritualistic initiation and a mantra which I have no feelings for and probably would never recite. I’ve decide to wait, until my true Guru shows.

Then, during an evening mediation, the same voice in my head whispered: “Your Guru resides in the lineage of the Himalayan Tradition. He is above and inside you. He is Bengali Baba. He is Swami Rama. He is Swami Veda. He is the initiation teacher. He is in all forms and manifestation. The initiation will connect you and your mantra will guide you”.

So I changed my mind and received the mantra initiation. There were no excitement, anticipation or nervousness. It was calm and peaceful, like going back home. When I heard my mantra, I was shocked yet I was not surprised. It meant: “Truth is in the infinity. Infinity is inside you”.

“Who am I?”

“What is Truth?”

Now I have the answers. Namaste.

Actually, I have 2 mantras now. One of my own, one that Bengali Baba gave to Swami Rama before he left for America, the Last Mantra, which I always carry closely to heart:

“No matter where you live and where you go, in any condition you are, even when you are crying and crying in pain, agony, remember my words. Learn to be happy. No one makes you happy. No one can insert happiness. There is no such pill or such medicine to make you happy. You have to learn to make yourself happy. So no matter where you go, learn to be happy. Happiness is a state of tranquility. It means don’t let anyone to disturb your mind.”

So make yourself happy. Listen closely to your buddhi. Be gentle with yourself. The guru will guide you, always.