Love is all around us. Popular songs remind us that “love makes the world go round,” and “all you need is love.”

But what do we really mean when we say, “I love you”?

In his book Sadhana: The Essence of Spiritual Life, Swami Rama noted that love, as most of us practice it, is intertwined with selfishness.

I need something, so I say ‘I love you’. You need something, so you say ‘you love me’.

By that measure, what we call love in the world is really a form of mutual exchange — affection given in return for something we hope to receive.

Swami Rama argued that true love is something entirely different: acting selflessly and spontaneously without expecting anything in return. Love is about giving — not giving to receive, but giving simply to help another.

It’s a distinction worth contemplating. Much of what we modern people think of as love is actually desire. In Mexican Spanish, the common way to say “I love you” is yo te quiero — which more literally means “I want you.” The word querer conveys a sense of desire, even
possession. It indicates something the speaker hopes to receive, not something freely given to another.

There’s nothing shameful about that impulse — it’s very biological and very human. But it’s not exactly the same as love.

That gap between wanting and loving might be one of the most crucial differences we can recognize in our inner lives. One person approaches others to take; the other approaches to give. One is driven by desire; the other by generosity.

The question is straightforward but challenging: when we say “I love you,” are we offering something — or subtly anticipating something in return?

In that sense, love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a discipline — the subtle practice of prioritizing another’s well-being over our own desires.