Question
Mostly, I do not get distracted or waylaid by rose petals or mud slung at me…. except when my mother does it. I need advice! The three golden circles don’t work with her, either. What am I doing wrong? Why am I failing?
Answers
Carolyn Hume has responded to this question.
From Carolyn Hume
Instead of thinking of this as you doing something wrong or as you failing, think of this as an opportunity. Changing habits and thought patterns can sometimes take time, it is not necessarily easy, and we need to be patient with ourselves in the process. Your awareness of this problem gives you the opportunity to learn more about yourself, grow, and change.
You normally do not get distracted, waylaid, or disturbed by either compliments or criticisms; however, this is not the case with your Mother’s comments.
You and your Mother probably have a deeper and longer relationship than most of your other relationships in this lifetime, and this relationship in this lifetime carries memories (some of them conscious and some of them unconscious) extending from childhood to your current age. There may also be patterns of re-acting to rose petals and slung mud that have existed over a period of time, a habit has been formed.
If you find yourself reacting to something your Mother has said, consciously relax, re-establish diaphragmatic breathing, and witness or observe what has been or is being said and witness or observe your reaction. If possible, do not be judgmental of either your Mother or yourself. Sometimes what people say can be helpful, but that is for you to decide; do not accept what others (even your Mother) say blindly.
“To establish inner strength, decide that whatever negative thought occurs, or whatever others say, you will not accept it blindly. Decide that you will observe the thought or suggestion and let it come. One person may tell you that you are going to die tomorrow, and then perhaps another person tells you that you will someday become a powerful man. These two thoughts may come together: one person says one thing and the other says another. One thought is flattering to your ego, but the other thought is crippling to your willpower. Allow both kinds of thoughts to come. Be conscious of them. Whatever kind of thought comes, a thought is still only a thought. Why should you allow it to affect you? It will affect you only when you accept it; it will not affect you when you do not accept it. You can observe such thoughts without accepting them as your own, or letting them weaken you.”
— Swami Rama, The Art of Joyful Living, Chapter “Developing Strength and Willpower.”
On those occasions when you find yourself being affected, just note it to yourself…but do not then add to it thoughts of negativity about yourself. Just by noting the times you are affected in a neutral manner can be helpful in eliminating them.
Now I do not know how you currently react.
If, for instance, you have a physical response, like slamming a door, stomping out of the room, etc., note that you do this and by noting this it gives you the opportunity to stop doing whatever. For instance, something is said and even if you feel angry or hurt you refrain from slamming a door, stomping out, or making other physical actions.
If, for instance, you retort verbally, observe that you do so while you are doing so or afterwards, and this gives you a tool to stop reacting verbally. It is possible that you would still have mental reactions.
Finally, witness and/or observe the thoughts too.
Generally speaking, I think the physical reactions are easiest to change, then the verbal and finally the mental. It is possible the changes will be gradual and one day you realize – “Oh, I did not react to Mother’s comment; I was not affected.” – almost after the fact, you may not have reacted for some time, but did not realize it.
Perhaps you will find this article interesting: Discipline by Swami Rama.
Editor’s Note
If you have any questions about your spiritual practice, you may write to the AHYMSIN Spiritual Committee at adhyatmasamiti@gmail.com.